How I Turn Nervous Partners Into Sex Gods

The most important thing I’ve learned through my experience as a legal courtesan (and years and years of studying sex-related communication)? How to invite my partners—at all experience levels—to instantly become better lovers.

After interviewing hundreds of people about their sex lives, I’ve discovered a crucial common theme:

People have their hottest, most memorable experiences when they feel safe.

Even the thrill-seekers who get a thrill from strangers, unusual locations, the possibility of getting caught, or other risky behaviors are able to enjoy those things because they’re safe enough, within that individual’s risk tolerance.

So how do we create that safety while keeping things sexy?

TL;DR: My 3-Step Lover Invitation Framework:

1. Get on the Same Page:

Check in about emotions, desires, boundaries and expectations.

2. Transition to Touching:

Normalize health and safety check-ins—and take it beyond conversations about STI’s.

3. Give Clear, Specific Invitations Moment to Moment:

I offer you my mini roadmap you can customize, including sharing how you want to be touched, what’s off-limits, and how to communicate mid-play.

Plus:

💡 How to transform “don’ts” into clear, loving “do’s”

💡 How to change sexual dynamics with long-term partners

💡 Why safety is the ultimate aphrodisiac (and how it actually makes things hotter)

💡 My sample scripts and questions you can start using today

If you’ve ever wanted a really specific how-to guide for co-creating extraordinary sex that feels good for everyone involved, woohoooo!

Details will vary slightly from person to person, partner to partner, however, I’ve developed an adaptable framework that establishes comfortable communication allowing for greater relaxation, connection and creativity—which overwhelmingly leads to more FUN.

It is written from my own perspective based on my years of experience with lovers and therefore addresses a lot of heteronormative behavior from a feminine perspective, and my hope is that, by sharing my version with you, you can create your own specific version to use with your partners.

I’ve had a lot of success with these methods and I hope you do too—and when you do, I hope you let me know so I can woo-hoo you!

NEW PARTNERS: My Invitation

1.

Get on the Same Page.

I always like to start with a human check-in when it becomes clear things want to head in the direction of sexy. The formal structure of negotiations either at the ranch or for a kink scene lend themselves well to this, but I have now also practiced slowly pulling back from a personal vanilla make-out session that’s going very well and say something like:

How are you feeling?

However much or little they share, I make sure that I am listening fully, not just to their exact words, but to the tones, body language, and energy I feel from them. Then I mirror that back to them, infusing my own experience:

It seems like you’re having as much fun as I am.

And do a desire check in. If I am at the ranch or negotiating with a submissive, it is understood that I will hear requests, and only entertain overlaps I find reasonable and desirable. Otherwise, if I’m in a more casual and/or vanilla connection, I tend to combine my desire with the question.

In your perfect world, what would you like to do with me today?

Or:

It seems like you want more of me. How much more?

Or:

How shall we encourage things to unfold from here?

Or:

I really want to ___________. What would you like to do next?

Once we’ve co-created our Venn-desire-diagram and agreed on mutual wants and boundaries, I love to have an expectation check-in, which basically asks a situation-specific form of the question, how will you show up for me?

At the ranch, this is typically when I ask people if they have a budget in mind or prefer for me to share the ranges I typically work in, since the built-in assumption is that they will be financially supporting my creative mission to make the world a sexier more loving place through educational content that helps people communicate and connect.

In a personal setting, this is when I would recommend making sure you’re on the same page about what sex means to each of you, and what taking the next step in that particular instance would mean for your connection—and this conversation might vary widely depending on the specifics.

This can be vulnerable, especially when hopeful feelings and big crush energy are involved. I like to lead with what I’m hoping for or open to, what I’m available for, or if I have any privacy needs or preferences.

If I know I’m only interested in a one-off, I let them know that’s likely the case, and usually this is due to logistics. If I know I might be open to seeing them again, casually, but don’t think we’re a partnership fit, I let them know I’m not really looking to entwine my life with anyone else’s, but would love to continue exploring our connection in physical, mental and emotional ways.

And I like to imagine that, if I found myself in the position of being the person who might want to explore not just repeat sex, but possibly more, I might let them know that I have a crush on them, and am really only interested in taking our physical connection further if that’s something they think they might want to explore.

Most of the time, I don’t have to worry about relationship invitations at the ranch—it’s against the rules. But since those rules aren’t posted anywhere, most people don’t realize that, so it’s easy enough to let them know that I cannot in fact accept marriage invitations.

In non-work circumstances, if someone seems really, really into me—and especially if they have a socially normative background—this is usually when I remind them that I am a queer polyamorous sex worker with some dots on the autism spectrum, and that I really, really enjoy and require a level of open, explicit communication.

Not everyone has expectations—or at least not everyone has awareness of their expectations—so this really is a make-it-your-own section depending on what you think you need. I typically keep the expectation check-in to the relationship bits and save the physical the next steps, when the touching is just about to happen.

But first:

2.

Transition to Touching.

At the ranch, once we have a clear understanding of feelings, desires, and an agreement on how we will show up for one another, it’s time for the genital inspection—and I really really really really really would be so happy if we normalized this in all other spheres of intimacy.

The tease is hot. Touching genitals without expectation of arousal is arousing. It’s fun to play doctor. It’s extra fun when I’m with someone who is a real medical doctor, and I get to be the inspector. And I love being inspected even more.

But beyond anticipation, denial and medical kinks, an astounding number of my lovers have reported that they have never really gotten to look at pussy—even those in long-term partnerships. Likewise, I am often told that the excitement and thoroughness of my gaze on their parts is new. An earlier version of me felt this shyness—I wasn’t confident enough to look as long as I wanted, worried I would make my partner uncomfortable. And the sex absolutely reflected it.

I propose we, collectively, popularize pussy- and cock-gazing, certainly as part of lovemaking, but also in the preamble—especially since, unless you’re like me and regularly use a hand mirror or camera to survey your lower bits, it can be hard to see down there without a second set of eyeballs.

While all too prevalent norms of embarrassment and shame can make even exchanging necessary information about recent testing status and other partners difficult for many, my hope is that by popularizing the hotness of safety and looking, we can create a new, safer connection culture where taking care of each other is the norm.

Health check-ins at the ranch:

When I’m at the ranch, it’s a one-way check (I am tested weekly when working, and also visually inspect my own parts often), and I invite my soon-to-be-lover to drop their pants or lift their skirts while I don a pair of nitrile gloves, grab a water-based wipe with 70% isopropyl alcohol, and explain that I’m going to be swabbing around, looking for cuts, owies, or anything else we need to know to play safely. I get into the nooks and crannies of crowns, foreskins and labia, check for anything unusual, and if the person has a penis, aim to get a drop of precum to ensure it’s clear, and then we go on our way and play.

While proof of testing isn’t required for ranch clients, I always recommend regular testing for all sexually active humans before engaging with a new partner, especially if it’s been a while, especially especially if there are any new or interesting bumps, rashes, itching, discharge, smells, or discomfort.

There are also things that aren’t STI’s that can be a blocker to safe play, the most common ones I’ve experienced are yeast infections, often under a foreskin, or fresh cuts from shaving, especially in areas that are required for sexual contact where band-aids are hard to apply.

If fingering me is on the table, I also make sure to inspect hands and fingers for open cuts, especially cuticles. If there are none, I am comfortable with freshly washed hands touching me. If there’s an opening in their skin, we skip fingering or use gloves.

Part of my mission to make the world a sexier, more loving place where taking care of each other is the norm is to support others in inspecting themselves, so we know what to look out for, and then we could easily inspect each other as-needed.

My proposed universal health check-ins:

It’s been established—you’re on the same page, and you both want to do it. Answer the following questions together to determine what is needed to play safely:

1. What accessories will help us have the most safe-feeling experience?

   1. Condoms?

   2. Dental dams/Lorals?

   3. Gloves?

   4. Lube that is barrier-safe?

   5. Toys?

   6. Birth control? PrEP?

2. What are our current respective testing statuses (even if barriers are agreed upon, this is helpful for safety!)?

   1. When was each partner’s most recent test?

   2. Has either partner been with another partner since testing? If so, what if any barriers did they use, and how much information do they have about the testing status and partner landscape of those partner(s)?

   3. Do we want to get fresh tests before we play together?

3. How do we feel about fluid exchange?

   1. Mouth to mouth?

   2. Genitals to mouth?

4. What else do we need to consider? The following is an incomplete list of things that might be relevant during intimate play:

   1. Allergies?

   2. Injuries?

   3. Medical conditions that might require care if an episode occurs?

   4. Relevant traumas and/or PTSD triggers?

   5. Sensory issues?

   6. Ticklish spots?

And then, in my perfect world, partners would wash hands thoroughly with soap and water or take a shower together, get comfy under a great light source, and take turns inspecting one another’s genitals and hands with as much role play as feels fun.

At the ranch, because booking our party in the office to make it official is a required step after the health check, there is a natural space that creates excitement, and this is when I usually ask about allergies, injuries or other considerations to be sensitive to. Once the booking process is complete, I orient my partner to the shower and set up the room, and once we’re both ready, it’s time for the final step that inspires the most connected, creative touches.

3.

Specific Invitations

If the above steps have been followed-ish, helpful dialogue has already been established. If you’ve found yourself in a scenario where everything happened so fast and surprisingly that suddenly here you are, naked or on the brink of being so, intimate touches imminent, it’s not too late to include anything from above that feels relevant.

In these final moments before diving in to pleasure that lets us lose track of who’s who and be delightful existing as an animal beasty for a time, this is the invitation that I share at the last moment that is most likely to inspire a beautiful dynamic of collaboration.

Create safety by establishing how to communicate.

I tailor each interaction to the person I’m with, and don’t necessarily do everything in order:

I may be undressing my partner as I share this and/or inviting them to undress me. I may be hugging them, naked, I may already be touching them, cradled in their arms, looking at ourselves in the mirror, and/or playing a game where, if it seems like they’re getting distracted, I stop and make sure that they are focusing and retaining what I share. Sometimes we are simply standing near my bed, simmering on the cusp of almost.

If my counterpart is very nervous, I may have a hand on their heart and invite them to breathe with me. If submissive, they will receive a version that is more instructional, on whatever scale of nurturing to strict disciplinarian we have agreed to. If they are playing a Dominant role, I will share all of this information in question form, as if I am asking permission. And if we aren’t dynamic-specific and I have before me a fellow eager horny play friend, I am usually scuffling hairs and body parts and feeling into our energy.

Sometimes I say all of this—the whole entire thing—before we even begin. Sometimes I add the relevant parts related to fingering or condoms as we get close, when it becomes relevant. Sometimes I do a combo, especially if someone is nervous and they might not be processing all audio info.

Regardless of the how, this is the outline of what I share with clients at the ranch that has been extremely helpful and allowed me to connect in really hot ways, even with the most shy humans.

My Specific Invitations:

Framing and Communication

I love to know what you love.

I love to know if you want (more of) something or need something different.

I love to know what you experience in your body/mind/heart, either in real-time or afterward.

You may always ask for something; I may say no, and I expect my answers to be respected. You may likewise respond yes or no to any of my requests and I will respect your answers.

Fluid Exchange

Just a reminder: in order to follow all the laws, we need to keep all our fluids away from each other and to ourselves (gesture to mouths, eyeballs, genitals). Kisses are very hot, and you can kiss me all these places (I might gesture or list out: body, neck, jawline, cheeks, forehead, ears), but we are keeping our mouths away from each other today.

How to Touch Me

I love to be touched, you can touch me [gently / medium / pretty strong] and if you want to calibrate pressure, I’ll teach you how to use a 1-10 system.

We do our best not to leave marks on each other (unless explicitly negotiated otherwise). I will let you know if we start to go in a direction that feels like too much for me, however please do not take this as an invitation to find my outer limits (unless explicitly negotiated otherwise).

Please be aware that intense sucking and pressure can cause hickies, and (unless explicitly negotiated otherwise) we are sticking to gentle, sensual touches today.

Face and Neck

As we are getting to know each other, I prefer that any hands moving in these areas (gesture to eyes, ears, hair, mouth, throat, shoulders) be in slowww motion—I am a tough little sister so I do have a fight response, and surprising me is not recommended. Choking or any form of breath play is not on the menu (unless explicitly negotiated otherwise and a chaperone of my choosing is present). If you want to touch my neck, ask me, and I will show you what if anything I am comfortable with in that moment.

If I’m going down on you, always let me lead the motion. If I feel the urge to have your hand on my neck or head in this moment, I will let you know using one of my hands, since my mouth will be full, so you can just follow my prompt.

Spanking

Spanking is something I am open to as long as it’s not a surprise; staying away from surprise spankings is always the most loving choice. If you’re interested in spanking me or being spanked by me, let me know, and I will give you my fun-and-easy spanking tutorial!

Hair Pulling

Let’s also avoid surprises in the realm of hair pulling (unless explicitly negotiated otherwise), however, I do enjoy gentle hands on my head and fingers in my hair, especially at the base of my scalp—just move slowly, and if I want you to squeeze or pull a little, will invite that from you. Otherwise, just combing your fingers through my hair is nice.

Touching Me

My pussy is on the table today (if it is), and [ your hands look safely cut-free / we’ll be using gloves ]. She is very, very sensitive and is different almost every day—however please never ever directly poke my clit, especially with a single finger, that is really painful for me, and if you forget don’t worry I will redirect you. I love to start with outside touches only, and love getting teased with slowness, flat hands giving wide pressure, and playing with my inner thighs and the edges of my pussy lips. I love for initial explorations to be slow and gentle and curious, and once I get turned on I might want a ton of pressure, every day is different. I will tell you if she wants fingers inside, and just remember that if you touch yourself with your hands and want to touch me with the same hand, we’ll just hop up to take a little handwashing break and we can do that as much as we need to.

Touching You

Similarly, as I said earlier I love to know what you love, and I will be exploring your sensitive spots but if you have any special spots or magic nipples, please let me know about them.

Cum Communication

If you feel yourself getting close to orgasm, I always love to know, (for penis-owners:) especially if we’re using hands on you, so I can make sure we’re aiming away from any relevant holes of mine. If you want to come on my belly or chest, ask me when you’re getting close and we’ll see what feels good.

Condoms

If we’re having P-in-V sex with condoms: your job is to help me make sure this condom (or dental dam, or Lorals) stays in place. If you come inside the condom, please make sure to tell me right away (if it’s an internal condom: please make sure it’s in place before you come and ejaculate deep inside), and please wait to pull out until I’m ready so we can make sure it stays on as you pull out.

Recap

Follow your heart and follow your part and play with me and let me know if you need a break or want me on top or need me to hand you a water bottle or anything else.

Ready?

Is it a perfect system? No.

There are still individuals that are traumatized by family, community or society in ways that might inspire them to seek control by exercising power over someone. The energy of this is very obviously distinct from a partner who might legitimately be caught up in the heat of the moment and forget that we aren’t supposed to kiss. The innocent ones are easy to dodge. The boundary-pushers are like honing missiles, and are repeat offenders even with repeated boundaries.

Please remember that pressuring a partner to do anything, especially in the heat of the moment, is not sexy. This especially includes but is not limited to condom and barrier use. If you agreed on condoms, dental dams, and/or Lorals—even if only by silent default because someone pulled one out—this is the boundary. If neither of you followed any of the above recommendations and dove right into it, at least err on the side of asking at every step of escalation.

And while it is not a perfect system, I’ve noticed that outlining even the most basic version of this invitation helps transform nervous, shy or hesitant partners into divine creative beings. I have seen metaphorical flowers bloom, and watched my partners radiate a joy, happiness, ease and satisfaction at a shared experience in mutual celebration, pleasure and fullness of self-expression. I had a partner tell me that he didn’t know that being confident could be so playful—he’d been stuck in a paradigm of masculine stoicism that wasn’t obviously toxic, but was absolutely affecting his ability to connect with his partners because he was squishing down his fun parts.

So in my personal opinion, talking about it ahead of time is incredibly sexy.

EXISTING PARTNERS: Changing Patterns

What to do if there is an established pattern with a long-term partner that would make it weird to suddenly whip out a brand new framework?

Break it down into a drip feed of tiny invitations based on what you’re noticing about yourself, today, in that particular moment. If any verbal communication at all between you and your partner is outside the established norm, try starting with a tiny bid for connection. It could be something like:

I heard about a game where I tell you what I’m feeling in my body as it’s happening and the idea of it sounded hot to me, can I try it with you?

Or if you think your partner’s into it:

I heard about a game where we tell each other what we’re feeling in our bodies as it’s happening, want to try with me?

Or:

I want to practice communicating more next time we get naked.

And I might even add:

Will you help remind me I want to do more explicit real-time communication by asking me check-in questions as we go?

I’ve noticed that when I share things with vulnerability, desire, and a request for support, I am usually met with tenderness and a willingness to try—even in cases where my partner is at their own growth edge. If you can get your partner to be your co-conspirator in curiosity, even better.

Whether you want to add or avoid something, make it about real-time discoveries that are grounded in what’s feeling amazing, right now.

More of that—that!

I LOVE that.

What are you doing there? Keep doing it.

Or:

Ooh that feels really sensitive today—try [something that feels good to you].

Wait, can you try that again…? Now try it like…this…oh that, can I have more of that?

Externalize it—it’s about the sensation in your body, not their skill as a lover, and you are discovering your body together, over and over and over again.

Pop culture seems to have instilled a fear in many of us that we might be “bad at sex” but I no longer think this is possible. Someone might be inexperienced or unskilled in a specific realm, but even the most self-absorbed narcissist wants to feel like a winning hero—and even they need metrics by which to win.

When I work with coaching clients who say they want better sex or that their current sex life is “bad,” usually what they’re describing is some combination of poor communication, fractured connection, and unhelpful amounts of honesty, often accompanied by underlying issues of insecurity and resentment that must first be tended to before invitations can be sent and received to co-create a safe, joyful fucking zone.

TRANSFORMING DON’Ts INTO DO’s.

The seeds of my sexy preamble were inspired by two things. The first was early clients asking me, “uh, what am I allowed to…do?” The second was a list of rules that a now-retired veteran who briefly mentored me emphatically encouraged me to adopt for my own clients, because she had so many terrible boundary-pushing clients.

I no longer remember the specific book or podcast that was in my brain at that moment, but it was one of many sources that has pointed out to my consciousness over the years the importance of precise language, specifically the concept that a DO is much easier to aim for and complete than a DON’T. I do, however, remember that was the moment where I turned a corner and became one of those annoying-to-most-everyone-else people that is constantly reframing “don’t let me forget—“’s into “I will help you remember—!”’s.

Her entire list was written in DO NOT’s.

I was not the intended audience for her list, but I noticed how defensive I suddenly felt. Even though I was not her client and was a highly knowledgeable sexual being, I noticed contraction in my animal body, fear of Something Bad happening, and fear that I would do something wrong, even though, again, I was not her client and was a professional in my own right. And because that podcast or book or whatever combination of learnings was in my head at that moment, I forever vowed to practice DO’s as much as possible going forward.

I do my best to focus people on sentences that will create helpful visuals for the things I do want to happen, even if the picture I’m painting is simply about how we will communicate, because I don’t know exactly what I want but I want to navigate it one step at a time.

So I always encourage action-oriented present tense invitations. Try it, and please tell me the hot delicious connection it results in.

TALKING ABOUT IT IS HOT.

One of the most common fears I hear from people is that stopping to do these safety-oriented things ruins the flow, but I’ve found the opposite to be true.

It’s hot when my partners agree to protect me, and feel similarly safe that I’m looking out to protect them.

When I have a partner pause in the midst of pounding me for a few minutes to check to make sure the ribbed edge of the condom is still at the base of their cock? I am that much more turned on, feeling safe that I can relax and enjoy the moment because we’re both looking out.

When my partner and I jump up to wash our hands to avoid mixing fluids? It’s a fun little breather, a chance to hydrate, and a hot, hot moment to go on a mini naked adventure and connect before safely returning to the physical.

And when my partner checks in about my comfort because they care? It’s the hottest thing in the world.

PREPARATION OVER CONVERSATION

There are some things that can’t be upleveled immediately, even with the most thorough dialogue.

So I will finish by encouraging everyone everywhere to please take these things into account ahead of time, whether or not you are expecting to get intimate with anyone:

• Please prioritize hygiene in your life—both whole body and oral.

• Scrub yourself, especially nooks and crannies like armpits, groin and butt areas, and I highly recommend exfoliator gloves a few times a week, maybe a couple pair so you can wash them every couple of uses.

• Brush and floss at least once a day, and even if you aren’t planning on kissing anyone, brush your teeth after eating anything with a pungent odor.

• Please wash your asshole, really thoroughly.

• Please consider a diet of nutritious whole foods—it affects how you taste and smell! And when we get enough fiber, it makes the previous point much easier.

• Please keep scents minimal!

Implementing any or all of these above steps as relevant has definitely unleveled the quality of partnered sex, from connection to physical pleasure, and has resulted in mutual joy that I want for everyone.

Let me know how it works out if you implement any of this first-hand, and if you need private tutoring…you know where to find me!